Marriage and Trust

Last week I wrote about how your wedding day should be special but should not set your relationship up for failure. I wrote about how what really matters on your wedding day is love. Setting love as the pinnacle of your relationship is not just a wedding day thing, it needs to happen every day. The more that that love is expressed, communicated, and received the more that love will deepen. Once you are married, do everything you can to deepen that love. There will be good days and difficult days, euphoria and hurt feelings, and in those dark times it is easy to assume you made the wrong choice. Sometimes tragedy happens. I am reminded of the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. The drama ends badly because both star-crossed lovers end up dying. Even though they both die (and we might say prematurely) the story is actually not much of a tragedy.

Everyone will die; the good part is that Romeo and Juliet did not fall out of love before they died, so therefore, not a tragedy. Treat your marriage as something of inconsequential value and watch your life turn into a tragedy. Act as though it has infinite worth, and nothing that life throws at you will break you apart. Come hell or high water, disease disability or disgust, and you will have your moments debating whether it is the lark or the nightingale that sings through your window (one of the most romantic scenes in the drama, in my book).

Blissful marriages are built on faith. Faith that you made the right choice in either proposing or accepting that proposal. Faith that, if you're going through a rough patch, it is just a patch. Things will get better all the time. If there are medical problems or just general suffering, have faith that you are the best antidote to that suffering that there is. Have faith that healing and growing are the best way forward, not resentment and anger. Have faith in your love, for the famed philosopher Nietzsche once said, “He who has a ‘why’ can bear any ‘how’. If you are filled with doubt about the struggles your marriage presents or the inadequacies that you face, take this quote from Jordan Peterson to heart: “Despite all the evidence, there’s actually something of intrinsic worth about you.” Yes, about you. Your ability to shoulder the burden, to lift where you stand, makes all the difference. You are the best antidote to the suffering that will, or does, exist in your relationship.

Strong marriages are built on repentance. This goes back to the idea of tragedy and value. Just because the American legal system sees marriage as a contract, to be dispensed with at will, does not mean that you must have the same lackluster regard for it as well. Have realistic expectations about your spouse, then lower them. They won’t always make you happy, they won’t always remember how you like breakfast. They may hurt you in more tiny ways that you never knew existed. That is part of a relationship. Do you think that you are so perfect that you won’t or haven’t done the same? That is what it is like to be vulnerable and open up to another person, to expose that you aren’t perfect in every way, and in fact, quite the opposite in many ways. Try to remember your commitment to your spouse, and how precious it is. If you truly love them, you have a duty to help them when they need help, not when asked for it. You also have a duty to love them when they require love, and not just when they deserve it. If you would do what you know you need to do, marriage will be an amazing journey for both of you. Marriage is not supposed to be all sunshine and laughter, because that is not what life is. Marriage is about being better so that you can be better together. Pleasure lacks, but duty satisfies.

I hope that when you are married you find the satisfaction that resides within this commitment. I hope that as you fall and get back up, your best friend will be by your side ready to forgive, ready to believe, and ready to do as Churchill said, not “just [their] best, but what is necessary to succeed”.