Communication

The famed psychotherapist Carl Rogers once said, “What is most personal is most universal.” We all face trouble and tribulation, sickness and satiation, grief, and grace, in our lives. Knowing how to express yourself in ways that truly communicate your feelings and thoughts to others can be extremely difficult. Knowing how to interact with those that are attempting the same can be equally confusing. Why is it so hard? Are there any means by which we can facilitate communication between those that need to be heard and those that can hear?

Humans are not telepathic, though that would be efficient. The good news is though, humans express their emotions on their sleeves, and body language in vocal tone tells us much more than just the words in a conversation. Women seem to be exceptional at this compared to men, and their connection to their infant children probably heightens this ability and helps develop a relationship with their child. Sarcasm, for instance, is explicitly about the interpretation of a vocal tone and facial composure being juxtaposed to the words being said. If you tell a joke that goes flat, (which I know would never happen to you) and the person you're talking to says in a flat voice, “Wow, you are so hilarious.” It probably means that you aren't that funny to that person. Their uninterested voice gives it away.

But in all seriousness, there are five secrets that allow you to effectively communicate. These secrets allow you to be heard, hear others fully, and build long, healthy, relationships built on not being deceitful to one another.

1.  Find the kernel of truth in what the person is saying and validate it. It may be feeding off your worst fear about you. It may incite your anger. It might hurt, but be humble and acknowledge the truth where it is.

2. Show empathy. Empathy requires active listening. Active listening requires that there be no distractions around you. No texting, scrolling, or thinking about what you are having for dinner tomorrow, none of those things will help you listen and communicate. Once you have been listening to the other person, you can start to empathize with their thoughts and their emotions. Empathy is never found in statements that start with “but at least-”. When it is your turn, saying from your point of view what you suspect they are thinking about the situation, and what they are feeling allows them to be heard and understood. This invites people that might be argumentative to settle down because empathy is the antithesis of belligerency. It takes two to fight and if one refuses, it opens the door for communication and increases the likelihood of it occurring.

3. Ask mild but insightful questions. This should neither be an interrogation nor should it be an opportunity to completely flip the tables on your communicating partner. This is an opportunity to gain clarity about the situation and to de-escalate things if they start to get rough.

4. Use “I feel” statements and express yourself. Oddly enough, when you are not actively listening the focus of your speech should be on you. You are, after all, the best expert on you. If you fail to use “I feel” statements, you will undoubtedly start to turn the conversation on the faults of your communicating partner. These types of statements sound accusatory. Once, a man was fighting with his wife when she said, “We never get anything done because you won't listen, and you never have listened, and you never will listen.”

If that is true, then why are you even attempting a conversation? “You” comments never focus on the issue, but offset all problems onto your partner.

5. Appreciate. Use every communication opportunity to edify by offering compliments and positive comments on the characteristics of your partner. This is not a time to lie or manipulate your partner. This is a time for you to defuse tension and say in between the lines that your relationship is worth more than the problem that you are facing and by setting yourself into this habit, it shows that you are willing to sacrifice to make the relationship work.

Be sure to fully communicate your thoughts and ideas 110% before deciding. For instance, if you started a restaurant five years ago but now things are starting to fail, you would not want your wife to blurt out, “Five years ago I didn't want to start a restaurant. I only did this because I thought it's what you wanted.” All decisions have consequences, but big decisions need an appropriate time to discuss because five years down the line is too far to do anything about. As you deepen your relationships, also develop communication skills and you will never have the need to end them.