Family Culture and its Impacts

“I think I'm turning into my dad.” If you have ever said this, it is probably because you have modeled something into your life from your family culture. Family culture bleeds into how everyone behaves in your home, and how you perceive those outside of your home. Family culture is the atmosphere that your family creates. Families can run into problems if there are disagreements about what the family culture should be. Family culture is largely influenced by the culture at large in your region.

 All of us have a family culture that is supported by the actions and attitudes of each member of the family. Culture both affects and is affected by the people that compose it. Some families make family time a priority, and some make certain responsibilities a priority. For example, some families might have politeness be the top priority in the family and require the children to write thank-you cards after every social gathering that pertains to them, such as religious rites of passage or birthdays. Others might have school, musical, or sports excellence priorities that dominate the family environment.

Along with culture, comes the rules that make it up. Certain rules, like eating vegetables before dessert, or not locking bedroom doors (more to follow with that later) can also affect how each person interacts with the overall family culture. Consequences follow whether the family members submit to the rules and priorities of the family or run headlong against them. One such example of how family culture affected my brother happened when he was about 12.

My mother had a rule that all homework was to be done before anything fun happened, as an attempt to cultivate responsibility, and because she didn’t want to deal with children going to bed and then saying “Wait, I have three hours of homework due by tomorrow!” So, no fun, until homework was finished. Well, my mother was quite stressed one day and asked my older brother to help with dinner. He started, but the middle child, also my brother, wanted to help. However, he had not completed all his homework, so helping with dinner was (quite literally) off the table. After his request was denied, he became upset and ran upstairs, locking the door behind him. For some reason, my mother followed him and heard the door lock. This was not OK.

 In a raised voice she said, “You know the rules, unlock this door.”

“No” was the response from the other side.

“Unlock this door, or I will break it down!” She called out. And as soon as she said that, she realized that if my brother didn’t unlock the door, and she ever wanted to be taken seriously again, my mother would in fact have to break it down.

My brother called her bluff. My mother was not bluffing. He said something to the effect of “Well you’re going to have to break it down.” and after two kicks, the door gave up the ghost. My brother was shocked that my mother physically was able and willing to break down doors that presumably she would pay for, and his eyes were as wide as saucers. My mother was shocked for the same reasons. My dad came home from work a little later and was confused why there was such tension in the air. He also probably wondered why dinner was so late.

Why do I relate this story to you? Because it is funny. But it also shows how family culture impacts relationships which can either ease or cause stress in the home.

Family circumstances can cause the culture to change as well, and it can be pathological. I knew a family that parented each child differently, it seemed. With three girls and the youngest child, a boy, it seemed that the family culture caused a lot of stress, but the children were not to talk about any problems. The father traveled a lot for work, so he was rarely home. The mother was also very busy and was also rarely home. Once the first oldest daughter went off to college, all the responsibility fell onto the second oldest. She took all her AP classes, played two sports, worked three jobs, did all the cooking and cleaning for the house, and chauffeured her two younger siblings to practices and such. She was constantly tired physically and mentally, and she had no support from her parents nor was she allowed to ask. Rigid and distinct family cultures can sometimes be a wall that keeps out bad influences and that's great. Sometimes culture can lock members of the family in and hurt relationships.

Some questions to think about:

What are your family priorities and goals? What are the goals of each member of your family? Where do these goals align?

Where is there tension? How can you resolve that tension? Does it require outside help from professionals?

These questions and others you think of can steer you in the right direction as you try to learn from your family culture.