Some Useful Theories...

“No man is an island entire of itself” John Donne once wrote in the early 17^th century. What a profound truth! We are all interconnected, and those we share the most connections with are our families. We are related by blood, but also by sweat and tears, dreams, and fears. Sometimes families struggle, and sometimes that that struggle can cause lasting and deep wounds that are hard to stitch up. Within the family there can be many personalities, motives, and skills; and these are good when they work together. But what if they don’t?

There are a couple of theories or models of what is happening to explain why there is tension in the home. For starters, because everyone is so interrelated, a disruption with one person can ripple through the home and affect many other people or routines. This is because each family together becomes stronger than just each person individually. This idea is called Gestalt, and while also being fun to say, is an important concept. We can understand how the Gestalt effect changes family dynamics in several ways: namely, conflict theory, symbolic interaction theory, and exchange theory.

Conflict theory maintains that, in a quasi-Marxist way, (usually) women are often lured into unhappy and soul-draining relationships through misogynistic social structures and behaviors. While some oppressive relationships may exist and cause pain, this is a symptom of a breakdown within the family system, not a feature of it. As an example, every time you’ve ever heard a child say, ‘You’re not the boss of me,’ the child is most likely perceiving the interaction as a clash of wills, or power.

Joe Rogan once said, “If human beings are going to work really hard, there has to be some sort of reward and it can’t be an equal reward.” -Joe Rogan, JRE #1208. This quote summarizes what exchange theory is.  Exchange theory attempts to explain behaviors that, to each member of the family, seem to occur as a balance sheet where certain behaviors are constantly being noted and tallied. This can be anything from how many times the husband does the dishes without being asked, to the extent of vacation planning that each partner contributes.  It can also be used to understand the source of tension when it occurs. This is usually caused by the needs of some not being fulfilled yet feeling like they invested more into the situation.

The last theory for today is the symbolic interaction theory. This is when an individual does or says something that they perceive as one way, when to the other person it is perceived in a different way. A common example of this is when the girlfriend in a relationship really wants the boyfriend to marry her, but the boyfriend says, “Why do we have to get married? It's just a piece of paper.” To the boyfriend in this scenario, as he stated, a marriage license is just a piece of paper. To the girlfriend, however, it is more than that, which is why she is persistent in asking for it. This theory does not just include simple miscommunications but rather identifies tension in the home based on two people not having a grasp of the significance of the same concept. For instance, discovering a bad grade on a child's report card could mean that the child has to take more time studying in that class which requires a change in a significant part of the family schedule, or it could be a slight deviance in grades, end of the story.

These theories allow us to further understand the family dynamic. When crises, both small and large, occur, We can use these theories to understand what the source of tension is and how it is specifically affecting each of the members of the family.